Earlier this year I came across this picture and quote.
It took my breath away.
It stopped me in my tracks.
I just sat at the desk and read it over and over again. I let the words sink slowly into my heart and soul. Then came the tears, oh there were tears. For the first time, I tried...really tried to put myself in my daughter's birth mom's shoes. I know I will never fully understand, but I tried. I think it's easy for us, for me, to think "Well, she made bad decisions so she got what she deserved..." and go on without really thinking about her pain and deep loss. While I do believe that our daughter being taken into foster care *was* the right thing to happen, it doesn't make her birth mom's pain any less. She may not have had much time with her outside the womb, but she still carried her for 9 months. She felt those kicks and probably even daydreamed about what she would look like. She had purchased her a special outfit to take her home from the hospital in, so she had to have some dreams or expectations about a future with her. She loved her. I believe that with my whole heart, I do. I believe she still loves her, even if her love is misguided. I sat across from her while she was crying out in raw emotion and pain that she wanted her back, she wanted to stop doing drugs and to be able to raise her. I believe in that moment, it was her desire. But unfortunately, her desire wasn't enough. Drugs won. I won't ever understand how difficult it is to stop doing drugs, especially when you've been using for more than half of your life. I won't ever understand what that internal struggle was like for her. (I struggle with not eating that extra cupcake! Think about that...) I saw her try to justify it, but deep down, I do think she realized she was wrong.
As we celebrate our "Forever Family" day this Sunday (2 years already!!) I want to just encourage you all to remember, and to remind myself, that in our joy, as great as it is, our joy is coupled with great loss and sorrow. I think it would not only be a disservice to Ava's birth mom, but a disservice to Ava to not acknowledge that. I can not imagine someone taking away my rights to parent. That has to be one of the greatest earthly losses. To have someone take the baby you carried for 9 months and delivered; for someone to take them away against your will and say "You aren't fit to be her mom" is a deep gashing wound, one I can't understand. I am constantly reminding myself to remember this, to acknowledge that without God's grace, it could be me. This shouldn't cause me to become prideful, no, it should cause me to have deep compassion. A compassion I can't muster on my own. A compassion that is too often clouded by my anger and pride.
Please pray for these women. Our daughter's case is not unique, stories like this happen every day. It's just so very easy to write these women off as unfit and think "They are just getting what they deserve". But please remember, just because consequences are 'deserved', it doesn't make the sting and sorrow of them any less painful. May I never forget this...and may I fully and truly understand the deep privilege and deep tragedy that comes with parenting our precious daughter.
