But as I was reading about all the 'thank you to my child's birth mom' posts, I found myself with a small twang of jealousy. (This is where my selfishness kicks in). I was reading through them and realizing that I don't have that truth to share with Ava. Most foster children aren't taken away from a sacrificial mother/family who just wants the best for her/their child, and Ava was no exception. In fact, I sat across the table from her bio mom and listened to her say she did nothing wrong and deserved her baby back. She did not see excessive drug use and other illegal behavior during pregnancy as something that warranted her baby being taken away and she felt she was wronged. There were moments when I wanted SO badly to record Ava's tremors, whimpers, and painful screams in those first months and make them play over and over and over again in her jail cell. But alas, that wasn't allowed.
Moving forward. There are times when I think about the conversations I will have to have with Ava about her bio mom, and it rips my heart in two. Who wants to look their beautiful child in the eyes and tell them that their birth mom didn't even try to get them back? That she didn't even show up to the termination of parental rights hearing to fight for her. I have to tell my daughter that her birth mom chose drugs over her. I have to tell my daughter that her birth mom was unable to provide a name of her birth father, so we have no idea who he is. There are times when I wish I could tell her that her mom made a sacrificial decision to give her up because she loved her so much; but I can't. She loved herself and her drugs more. I try to put myself in Ava's shoes and wonder how she will react, but I can't imagine.
I pray every day that God prepares Ava for these conversations. As I spend time in prayer, and lose some of my selfishness, I can begin to see some of the benefits about this story in Ava's life. I pray that instead of Ava hearing this and feeling despair or anger, than she can see, even clearer, the beauty of redemption. Even if Ava's bio mom never leaves this lifestyle and goes to her grave unrepentant, I pray that Ava can see the goodness of God's story in her own life. I know that we, as adoptive parents, aren't supposed to view our adopted children as 'being rescued', but I am breaking that rule. We however, did not rescue her; GOD is the one who rescued Ava. GOD is the one who, for some reason I don't understand, chose to pull Ava from the dysfunction of her bio family and put her into our family (which has it's own set of dysfunction, mind you-just not illegal and destructive dysfunction) I pray that the weight of the truth spurs Ava to do everything in her life for God's glory. I pray that she can rise above the truth and not let it weigh her down.
All that being said, I am not thankful for Ava's bio mom. I am not thankful for the drugs she took while pregnant or the other illegal activity she chose to participate in. But, I *am* thankful for God using seemingly horrible circumstances to build our family. I am thankful for God bringing Ava into our lives and I am thankful for the grace He promises to give when these truths have to be shared with her.
The weight of the truth in our lives can sometimes be overwhelming; it can be suffocating. If we let it, it can be our undoing. I know that Ava will mourn over this truth. But God promises to give her the grace to get through it. I also cling to that promise on behalf of my daughter.
For today, I am thankful that we don't have to worry about it. I am thankful that our only concern this morning is what we will play. Will she want to play with her trains, or her dolls? Her kitchen, or her marble set? For this moment, the weight of the truth is only on my (and Todd's) shoulders and she doesn't have to carry it. That is the truth of today, and for that; I am thankful.
Just a small caveat, I don't mean to imply that private adoptions mean the kids won't also have a hard time hearing the truth. I was just speaking specifically to Ava's adoption. I have no basis for emotions associated with private adoptions and didn't want to make it sound like I did. :)
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